tessa D's blog

missing the torment

 I just cant pull myself out of this slum of medication and getting the injection. I never have been able to. everything becomes so anticipated. the foreseeable is a multitudinous static mood. it is abiding. it never ends.
do i miss the torture?

head injury poetry

 when i feel lost or down i search for poems by head injury survivors.
I just resonate with what they write so easily and truly. I feel a deep connection to them, people like me who have suffered a traumatic brain injury.
i feel so grateful for their words, bravery and courage and strength. 
i wonder how many people read their great writing and it makes me sad that such great work goes unrecognized. its just so incredible. you have no idea of the strength of mind these people have to put their feelings into words....and they are their true feelings and thoughts not something they were told to write or something that just sounds good.
thats why i love it so much, its pure poetry and feeling and true thought.  it truly makes my mind rest and explains to me i am not alone even in those deep times when i am truly alone and depressive or suicidal. 
this poem means alot to me because after my head injury i was told by my neurologist to just do nothing for ten years. just rest and sleep. i didnt. i coudnt handle that and it took away my hopes and dreams. i was told to not go to university or art school or get a job but i faced my fears. In music anthropology i studied 2 days before by drawing diagrams to music and i passed my exam- B. i learnt a new way of learning by drawing pictures...it was amazing. I only picked up my results  9/10 years after i had been to uni. i was so happy to see i passed my favorite paper.
i also got up and tried art school and employment. I was very happy. i have no regrets about that time. i also kept performing. i also threw a massive party the year after school had finished and i was head injured and hired a band and put silver paper everywhere and strobe lights and colored lights everywhere (i used to want to design and arrange parties) and it was a dress up party. i dressed up as a goth/punk. It was great and a lot of people came and piled into the old villa on the clifftop. the band played in the dining area surrounded by french doors and the city lights. it was picturesque. My old crush (a really cute samoan i sang with in choir) danced me around while people threw confetti and it was surreal. 
 i was awarded the "love goddess" award at senior prize giving. lol
i was like "ok?!!!" that was weird. i just smiled and accepted it.
i wasnt the sex goddess haha. i was the love goddess. maybe it was because of my accident they decided to award me with that. 
its the only award i ever got. i guess that doesnt really matter to me although i wish i had completed university or at least passed all my papers in the first year. it seems like anyone can get a university degree. ahhhh well.
love goddess is better than being called tank girl. which people called me because of the shoes i used to wear. i wore mens shoes...boots with huge rings on them for laces and black. then i would wear a dress with the infamous shoes while performing..."i am not a victim"...shouting that in the chorus. its about my abusive childhood. didnt make its way onto my album along with many of my favorite songs and most of them were changed. i hated my album for 5 years an i refused to listen to my voice. i hated the sound of my voice i just cringed really badly when i heard it.
i also wore a bindi and alot of indian bracelets and tibetan gold and feather earrings and dresses over pants and alot of jewelry. haha. i also wore my hair in pig tails or two buns (lol) and loved to wear old clothes and hang out at a pool bar in town. I had a  really short fringe i cut myself . those were the days. once i wore my favorite mermaid teal chiffon dress with a huge split up to my underwear all over town. i really had no fear in those days. its good to be young.  atleast i can remember now what it was like to be happy and care free and take homeless people out to lunch. lol.
i used to go for cakes and coffee by myself all over town. those times were fun. i wish i had kept some of that spark alive but its all gone now. i am getting too old. i just worry about my weight and fitting in when i go outdoors. i am so different to what i was. i guess thats normal i cant judge myself too harshly.
 
heres the poem i love
 
 

judged

wow, i never thought i'd have much use for some of the pointless information i have been writing about.
its all about me. me, me, me, me.
so what? i havent had anyone to talk to for a long time and my therapy sessions are a fucking joke. about a month ago my doc said she didnt have to see me for another 3 MONTHS. is she joking?
i was insane the whole of last year and suicidal and ringing the police and victims support to tell them about my arrest, flirtations with my old doc and being hospitalized for months....and my court case and false guilty. they said "wow, we cant help you sorry"
it was pointless so i made an official complaint against the psychiatric services i had been involved with. they did nothing but say......and this REALLY fucking burst my bubble and was so demeaning and condescending  and patronizing.... i quote "i think you have some strong feelings (sexual) towards ^%&* (the doctor)"
i could have flipped my lid.
it was him who opened up to me about his sex life and who refused to let me see a female doc or give me psychotherapy. I was pissed. so i went crazy. i became suicidal then i was on suicidal watch.
it wasnt like sinking into depression....i REALLY started hearing horrible voices.
 

love triangle, travel, mute

 whenever i start typing here i dont know what i am going to talk about and then it all comes spilling out. i just watched a crime movie and i am about 2 and a half hours away from sleep. I go to bed at 10.30 pm almost every night. I hear its better to go to bed and wake up at the same time every day if you want a good nights sleep. I saw that on a great episode of oprah. something called living the healthiest life. i have a list of medical  tests i should take and things i should be doing for my health.
well, i guess what i wanted to spill out is really the topic of speech. thats really important to me.

I am ruined, a mess and still happy?

 I realized after reading something about Buddhism during my year of headaches etc....that made me think i could not become a buddhist ( i was serious about it, i wanted to) due to my head injury. i realized the mind is the most important factor in buddhism...and i understood that this meant i could never be a buddhist. i was flawed and useless. well, i was but this time i felt persecuted by god for the reason that i couldnt theoretically practice buddhism ever...i wouldnt be able to do it, really, i couldnt have at the time and when i most needed it and god in my life.
 
 
 

psychosis, out of body exp

 I dont know....it seems like the only thing that brings me happiness is planning ahead.
I need goals at the moment. well i have goals, but i know i really need these goals.
I think if you are mindful then planning ahead and looking at the future isnt the brightest thing to do. Mindfulness is all about being in the now. However i dont achieve this....except for in some meditation months ago.

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