so really i don't know if this will be my last post on this site. alots happened but in the scope of things nothings really changed. i've been off my meds for about a week now and my "symptoms" have i guess returned. i've finally been able to calm myself down enough to go through a day of "normality". a day without me talking to inanimate objects, the air, or looking for things that don't exist so i guess it's progress but the night is still very young. i was doing fine yesturday too until nightfall. i went to sleep and ended up having a nightmare i can't remember.
what do you do if the reality you have isn't the real reality? does it become a fake reality just because you realized or think that it isn't real? or does the fact that its not real make it any less real? is it selfish to want a false reality to be real? i don't know. i don't care. i won't know what i'm supposed to believe what i'm supposed to feel. i say i won't because i've decided to actively turn my back on to what i know are my true feelings. yeah it's childish, yeah its stupid but i don't care.
my grandfather was diagnosed six months ago with cirrhosis of the liver. Previously to that he was diagnosed with hepatitis c. The doctors wanted to give him a transplant, so they say, but in reality there was neither a medical or philosophical reason to save his life. He was 70 years old, an alcohoic and a drug user. They weren't going to "waste" a liver on him because he'd probably shoot that one to hell. The doctors bullshitted my "grandmother" and the rest of the family for six months giving us good news one day and bad news the next.